Evil Space Monkeys!
by Trishata96
Summary: Space Monkeys. Bane of the Universe, Klepto and secretly evil. Something Kaidan learns the hard way. Occurs during the UNC: Lost Module Assignment. Rated T for Kaidan's french


"Oh my gosh! They are sooo cute!" Babbled Ashley as she sat on her haunches, staring adoringly at the colony of space monkeys. Alec Shepard and Kaidan Alenko both traded dumbstruck and confused looks. The woman who could drill you in-between the eyes from a hundred meters was going all gooey over the weird looking creatures. Cautiously one approached Williams and soon it was curled up on her lap, cooing in content as it's head was scratched lightly.

"What the hell?" Muttered Kaidan, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I have no idea…" Alec muttered bringing up his Omni-tool and started to record Ashley playing with the monkeys. "But I am so recording this for Joker."

"And she is so going to kill you." Pointed out Kaidan. Alec just grinned and chuckled.

"Heavy risk… but the prize." Replied his Commander. "Alenko, you better go and get that data module." Resolving to not get involved, Kaidan headed over to the mound of dirt which had smoke slowly rising from it. Hopefully the data they needed was still intact. Alenko soon found the compartment door to the innards.. Opening it up, he eard a soft 'ook'. Peering around the compartment door, Alenko saw there was one of those space monkeys there, watching. It was smaller than the others so it had to be a curious baby. He stared at it for a while, not trusting the big, adorable eyes. He knew from experience that if something looked really cute and innocent , it was probably very dangerous. His evidence, his aunt's stupid, yappy lap dog that had pretty much mauled his hand when he was six. Oh and Tali. She had a damn effective shotgun, that was all his was going to say.

"I'm watching you." He muttered before getting back to recovering the data module." Ah ha!" He found it easily enough. Pulling the shiny canister out, Kaidan was about to radio Shepard when the damn monkey swiped it from his hands.

"Hey! Give that back." The monkey settled on top of the crashed probe, trying to eat the valuable item. Kaidan was none too gentle in swiping it back off the pesky animal. He wasn't having a good day, a migraine was brewing, and he had vomited several times in the space of an hour, thanks to Shepard's driving. Seriously who gave that man a driving license. It feebly reached out it's paws, nose twitching as it started sniffing. "Oh no you don't. The crying won't work on me. Try it on Ashley. Otherwise find something else to steal."

Kaidan rolled his eyes as the monkey let out a high-pitched squeak. Of course it was having a temper tantrum. He turned to leave and immediately froze at the sight of what had to be the baby's family all sitting there. Looking back at the baby, Kaidan was pretty sure it had an evil smirk on it's face…

* * *

Alec Shepard stopped recording and faked an innocent smiled as Ashley stopped playing with the baby monkey. Mere moments ago she'd been cuddling it like a new born baby, cooing and talking to it in a girly tone, he would have never associated with Ashley. She pit it down and headed back over to the Mako, smiling and a spring in her step.

"Where's LT?" She asked as she started taking pictures of the monkeys. Alec's brow creased as he remembered about Alenko.

"I sent him to get the data module. He ought to be back by now…" Alec looked over his shoulder. The mound of dirt, the probe had caused upon impact, hid the probe and Alenko from sight. As he turned his head back to Ashley, he was pretty sure he heard a Kaidan like yelp. Then he noticed the dumbstruck look on Ashley's face. Looking back over his shoulder, his jaw dropped at the sight of about twelve monkeys running away from the crash site, some carrying shiny objects.

"Sheesh. I hoped they didn't nab the data modul…" Ashley trailed off as a particularly irate biotic, who was normally calm and composed, came into sight, chasing the monkeys while yelling his head off.

"Bring those back! Enfoncer singes malins! Putain vous tous en enfer!" Both Alec and Ashley just watched in amazement as Alenko and the monkeys faded into the distance. They just stared into the distance as their brains processed what had just occurred. Then in perfect harmony they fell to the floor, howling their heads off, clutching their stomachs. Soon they were red-faced and wheezing.

"We should most probably help LT." Muttered Ashley in-between giggles and snorts, already imagining the teasing she could inflict upon her superior. Shepard nodded and they reluctantly got into the Mako. Driving in the direction of Alenko they soon found him, trudging along the plains, muttering in French under his breath. Opening the hatch, she stuck her head out and called to him.

"Come on LT… Where the hell are your weapons?" Alenko didn't reply and just climbed in, put on a seat belt then began to sulk. Sensing his lieutenant was not a happy bunny, Shepard brought up the map and plotted a course to the nearest monkey colony. Looked like they had a good old fashioned treasure hunt on their hands.

**I've always head cannoned this for the mission on Eletiene. The idea of one of the crew getting mugged back monkeys was just too funny.**

Kaidan's naughty french: "Fucking evil monkeys! Damn you all to hell!"  



End file.
